I feel like I’ve moved through my entire life looking for affirmation. Every single thing I’ve done thus far has been to make someone else happy. As of late I just don’t feel like I’m enough. For anyone. For anything. I always preach that you should never calculate your own self worth based on those around you…but when your family makes you feel like you’re not enough, it takes a toll on your self esteem. Not that I had much to begin with, but it was getting there. And so here I am, feeling completely and utterly worthless again.
I never measure up. There’s always something to complain about. After a rough day, this is the last feeling I wanted to have before getting in bed. I’m never going to measure up.
I want to say, “stop lying in self pity and pick yourself up and stop bitching” but after 24 yrs of never feeling accepted, I’m getting towards the end of my rope.
Fall in love with yourself. I’m nowhere near perfect, just like everyone else. The last year has been so rough. Trying to rebuild what little was left of myself and my self confidence has been more than an uphill battle. I give so much that I lose myself in the process. I hope everyone is able to understand that in this time, I’m learning to have my own back again. If I’ve been distant, I’m sorry. Learning how to be my own best friend again instead of constantly criticizing myself has been the harder journey I’ve ever taken on. Honestly, a lot of times I feel so incredibly alone. The gym has been incredible to me. I look forward to going every day and it’s so nice to get out all of the pent up frustration and anguish after a long ass day. At this point in time, I’m happy being alone, but I do miss a lot. The good morning texts, the good night texts, the hand to hold, the way it feels when he pulls me in close, hand around my waist, someone to connect with without needing to say a word, the “you’re beautiful” texts, “I woke up like dis” texts (lol), his cologne, his smile & laugh. I miss it all, but I’m not ready to stop doing me yet. I deserve this time to be alone.
plugging in a usb on the right side on the first try
Everyone always talking about Kim’s cakes but Khloe got some ass too!
I keep a box of old cards; thank you, birthday, Christmas, just because, congrats, etc. Every once in a while when I need to be reminded of the person I am, I open it & read every word to relive the moment as if it was the first time I was reading it all over again. Today I opened the first birthday card you ever gave me, “happy birthday to my wife” it begins…I haven’t been able to open that card without crying since last summer. Today, I didn’t cry. That’s progress. I opened my box of cards to put a thank you card from the doctor I work for in there. I was reminded that while you’re one person that decided to walk out of my life, there are SO many more who want to stay and are here. Those are the ones whose words remind me that this doesn’t define my character, that I’m so much more than just a girlfriend….errr….ex-girlfriend. I’m a daughter, a sister, auntie, cousin & best friend. Just because one relationship ended, doesn’t mean I don’t have other relationships. People change, I’m not perfect, but damn, I know I’m worth it. It’s too bad you’ve forgotten about all those promises and words you’ve said to me, but there are so many other people who mean their words and haven’t forgotten. It’s time to let go.
My heart always gets hurt. I trust too easily, I believe too much and I give my whole self. In every relationship I have, I give 100%. Unfortunately, that leaves me vulnerable to hurt all the time…and gets me hurt, every single time. I don’t even know how to build walls anymore….after it took 5.5 yrs to have someone break them down, where do I begin to lay the foundation for another one? Because I’m tired of getting hurt.